A deep emotional stress that I felt. It held me down to feel helpless. It held me down where I did not have hope. I was alone. I didn’t know why I was hearing all the thoughts of bitterness, hopelessness, lack of self. I didn’t know why I felt so lonely when I was surrounded by people who loved me.
Why did I shut people out? Why did I want to take my life? Why didn’t I?
You ask why I write this. People need to hear that DEPRESSION is not just a word. The ones who love making others laugh are the unhappiest. I would do anything for anyone. I would help lift them up.
There was a time where I just wasn’t me. I would scream for no reason. I would get angry, mad, not knowing how bad I was hurting, I was hurting everyone around me. I belittled myself.
My emotions were just overflowing and no control of how I felt. When you read this, know I have found help for this. I was on the verge of DEATH. Not a lot of people know unless you read my book. I was a train wreck, latterly steps away from the true train wreck I wanted.
It was a moment that I knew that something wasn’t right. Depression hit me so hard with the loss of my husband’s job, with the pain I felt for my daughter being bullied, both grandmothers passing, there was many things that stacked up in my MOMENT.
I wanted a child, my husband didn’t. I wanted things and couldn’t control anything. Neither could get a job, we tried. We didn’t ask for help. I was too proud to ask, wanted to do it alone.
My timeline of depression hitting hard happened in 2008.
April 2008 – Married my best friend (happy everyday)
October 2008 – Husband lost job
Novemeber 2008 – kitchen fire (everything was lost in kitchen)
December 2008 (worried about money for Christmas and birthday for Madison)
August 2009 – found out I was pregnant.
November 2009 – Chet finds a job making HALF of what we were making. (we couldn’t pay bills, late on house, almost lose house)
November 2009 – I started going to Doctors visits and a specialist 3 times a week. Too much ambiatic fluids. I couldn’t walk from one room in the house to another without stopping to breathe. I started having panic attacks.
My panic attacks made me shake all over, I started having anxiety attacks.
Our money was literally going for gas to visit the doctors.
We couldn’t get assistance for about 6 months to a year.
Let me just say GOD PROVIDED in every need we had.
Depression set in, panic set in, and anxiety. I started having nightmares about my ex who beat me, bit my face, and raped me.
April 2010 – Matthew was born.
May 2010 – had my tubes tied.
By this time I was a wreck. I didn’t want to visit anyone, talk to anyone. So I put my head into my writing. It gave me peace to help others.
June 2013 – Still had depression, anxiety and panic attacks. My Hell was getting deeper. Until one day I was prayed over.
My depression stopped.
I became free…
I still had problems with going outside even. Socially, I didn’t want to be around anyone. The weight of depression held me down. It conquered me. I saw demons, the faces. They were in my life DAILY. Indians chanting, in our bedroom, down our hall way. My demons didn’t affect just me. My kids heard them, my husband seen them. Friends came over, their kids saw them.
I wasn’t crazy, I knew it was real. I wanted it to stop. One day I found someone to come in and “analyze” our house. Tell us what is here. We had things scratching us, things moving around, I had a remote fly across the room in front of me.
The night the investigators came, a demon woke me up at 3 am and all I can remember was him looking at me with his white eyes that looked like a negative image that you would get in the old days before digital.
It was so real I wanted it gone.
A friend died last night, with depression. It makes me heartbroken to know, this could have been me. I wanted to leave the world. I had no one. I was alone. I had family, but instead of saying I will help you, they told me “you need to get out more”. Instead of telling me I didn’t have a symptom, they thought it was just me.
The church we went to, let me down. My family let me down. My own husband couldn’t understand what I was feeling. When I told him, he walked away. And when I say walked away, he walked out for hours at a time. I had to keep my mouth closed on how I felt.
The people I loved, turned away. I was hurting inside and out. My grandmother passed away in 2012. Another reason I went down. Things piled up on my heart and weighed me down.
Here is what I wrote after feeling relief. I wrote this 5 day journal. PLEASE share this. ACKNOWLEDGE DEPRESSION…
We do not want to go out and kill others…. We have a battle within OURSELF.